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10 October 2005 @ 11:51 am
Bear with me here I guess  
So, I've been doing a lot of Truth and Justice roleplaying lately, which is insanely fun. One of my character's main traits is that she has no real direction in life. She's completely undecided about what she wants to do with herself; she's not passionate about anything. Not even being a superhero (which is the whole point behind T&J characters). And I'm realizing that she's more of a reflection of me than I actually intended her to be.

Does anyone else sometimes feel like all the control/direction they had in life evaporated after they graduated college? Does anyone else sometimes feel like they're doing the wrong thing career-wise, but can't for the life of them figure out what they would do with themselves, if they could?

Until I left college- and even for sometime afterward- I didn't worry or think much about the future. I'd figure it out, or it'd be figured out for me. But afterward- and especially after I got divorced- it felt like this safety net kinda dropped out from under me. I wasn't "safe" or "taken care of" anymore. I'd have to start actually figuring shit out, or I'd go splat on the pavement.

Sometimes, especially at low points in my job, I feel like I'm still falling. I feel like I'm in the wrong place career-wise, but have no clue what I'd rather be doing (aside from "not this job" and the ever-popular "sitting around at home doing whatever I damn well please"). Sometimes I'm not even sure I should've majored in CompSci (though, again, I can't figure out what I should have majored in instead).

The future is just full of questions that didn't used to be there before- probably because I just never had to ask them before. And I think I've also got that "bag lady" paranoia- that fear of being out on the street with next to nothing to my name, no matter how much is sitting in my bank account or how unlikely it is that I'll be fired. Again, no safety net.

There are a few things I am sure about. A) The divorce was a really good idea. B) Moving to Albany was a really good idea. C) Remy and my friends here are absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But I've still got a lot rattling around in my skull that needs settled.

And- oh, crap- I have to call the landlord today. Of this am I muchly scared.
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: 3 Doors Down
Ellieellie on October 10th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)
I completely understand how you feel. On bad days I wished I had taken that free boat to the National University of Lichtenstein. But then I snuggle up to Barry and I know he was the right choice and where I am now is what I've got to do for that oppertunity.

Which just makes me upset when he doesn't take the steps he needs to to marry me.
Aikidoka, dreamer, seeker, general purpose geekmanycolored on October 10th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel. In undergrad, it was always enough that I was "brilliant" and "talented" - all the tasks of everyday life were simplified and taken care of for me. Once in the real world I discovered that I'm far more easily overwhelmed by social situations, multiple things coming at me at once, boredom, and physically not-ideal environments than normal people. I'm not physiologically and psychologically cut out for the careers that my overly flattering profs think I'm intellectually qualified for.