Miusheri (miusheri) wrote,

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Bear with me here I guess

So, I've been doing a lot of Truth and Justice roleplaying lately, which is insanely fun. One of my character's main traits is that she has no real direction in life. She's completely undecided about what she wants to do with herself; she's not passionate about anything. Not even being a superhero (which is the whole point behind T&J characters). And I'm realizing that she's more of a reflection of me than I actually intended her to be.

Does anyone else sometimes feel like all the control/direction they had in life evaporated after they graduated college? Does anyone else sometimes feel like they're doing the wrong thing career-wise, but can't for the life of them figure out what they would do with themselves, if they could?

Until I left college- and even for sometime afterward- I didn't worry or think much about the future. I'd figure it out, or it'd be figured out for me. But afterward- and especially after I got divorced- it felt like this safety net kinda dropped out from under me. I wasn't "safe" or "taken care of" anymore. I'd have to start actually figuring shit out, or I'd go splat on the pavement.

Sometimes, especially at low points in my job, I feel like I'm still falling. I feel like I'm in the wrong place career-wise, but have no clue what I'd rather be doing (aside from "not this job" and the ever-popular "sitting around at home doing whatever I damn well please"). Sometimes I'm not even sure I should've majored in CompSci (though, again, I can't figure out what I should have majored in instead).

The future is just full of questions that didn't used to be there before- probably because I just never had to ask them before. And I think I've also got that "bag lady" paranoia- that fear of being out on the street with next to nothing to my name, no matter how much is sitting in my bank account or how unlikely it is that I'll be fired. Again, no safety net.

There are a few things I am sure about. A) The divorce was a really good idea. B) Moving to Albany was a really good idea. C) Remy and my friends here are absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But I've still got a lot rattling around in my skull that needs settled.

And- oh, crap- I have to call the landlord today. Of this am I muchly scared.

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