July 20th, 2004

Lara

Waxing programic

I still have yet to figure out if I'm a programmer or a project manager. I don't think anyone here knows either. In fact, I think I may be both, which means I get to do double the work.

Hmm... I think I'd rather program than document. You think writing the occasional comment in your code is annoying? Think of doing that in Word about a couple billion times in nicely formatted paragraphs with complete sentences instead of just something like //add times here .

Ah, but to program I must learn the languages. I've had a little experience with VB, so becoming more familiar with that isn't so bad... and I already know SQL and C++, which is making PL/SQL a lot easier to pick up. PL/SQL is kinda neat, actually... it's SQL that actually does something useful. And it reads almost like plain English. Much, much better than embedding SQL in Java... oh, did that ever suck when I had to do that in school.

I've put 99% of you to sleep by now, so the true geeks out there can enjoy one of my favorite top-ten lists of all time (actually it's more like a top-hundred list with all the ones that have been generated over the years, but I list my personal favorites below):

THINGS LIKELY TO BE HEARD FROM A KLINGON PROGRAMMER

1. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!

(I'd rather have dual AMDs. Shows you how much Klingons know.)

2. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

3. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

5. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.

6. Klingon function calls do not have "parameters," they have arguments – and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

7. What is this talk of "release?" Klingons do not make software "releases." Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

8. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing." When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.

9. I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a Bat'Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.

10. Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
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