"The people who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To wit, this week there was a highly attended conference in Washington called 'The War on Christians' because nothing says 'I'm oppressed' quite like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shore Hotel.
Whatever happened to that plucky cult called Christianity? Oh that's right. They're 80% of the American people and they've taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the best seller list and, until recently, Katie Holmes.
You know, i dont mind you're part of a dress up cult that hates sex and worships magic. But the paranoia, that does scare me.
You know the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding? Really? You mean people aren't saying 'Gosh I'd like to go to Missouri but... too Jewish.'
In Savannah, recently, a chldren's book about a baby penguin that's raised by two male penguins was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones because you know penguins in those tuxedoes, with the dreamy eyes... huge fags.
The Christian Right are now officially the party of paranoia: secularists are attacking Christmas, gays are attacking marriage, liberals are attacking values, white girls are being abducted at an alarming rate. You know if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.
And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity, aren't Christians at all.
They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war, or torture, or taxcuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. And Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys.
Now, I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. You know the only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.
Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus 'pseudo-Christians' and that's who's running our country today.
And since they thrive so much on turning water into whining and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions and feed them Tom Delay."