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19 May 2007 @ 08:43 pm
Texas Ranger or Future Deity?  
It has occurred to me just now that Jesus was the Chuck Norris of his time. One day several thousand years ago, for reasons unknown, someone started making up outlandish stories about this contemporary shit-stirrer he'd heard of named Jesus. This Jesus guy- when he wants to imbibe, he glares at some water and intimidates it into becoming wine. He's so badass, he can scare away leprosy and blindness, too. Shit, he can even scare the dead into waking up. And these tales were passed around, and giggled at, and people started tacking on bigger, better, funnier yarns to try and top all the others. Jesus punched his way through a virgin's womb! He died and scared Death so bad that Death sent him back!

And so on. And then a funny thing happened. Someone wrote down all these yarns, and a few thousand years later, some people read them and believe that they must be true.

I can't help but think of all the crazy yarns spun about Chuck Norris. I wonder what would happen if we were to find a time machine and travel two thousand years into the future. In some very unkind permutation of reality, I imagine we might find Chuck Norris revered as a god, based on ancient texts that had been passed down through the ages. The majority of members of that society would believe in all seriousness that Chuck Norris really could roundhouse-kick people across space and time, really did shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and really did father the entire Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts roster, among other miracles. And were we to double over laughing and reveal to them that it was all a big fucking joke on the Intarwebs, they'd accuse us of blasphemy. If they were a particularly zealous society, they might torture and/or kill us for this sacrilege. Probably with a flock of priests who'd deliver savage and repeated roundhouse kicks to the head.
 
 
 
sageblessing on May 20th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC)
Fuck, I'm more concerned about their pending beliefs re: William Shatner and Tom Cruise.
Miusheri: spock_gogglesmiusheri on May 20th, 2007 03:32 pm (UTC)
If there were a future religion built around Star Trek, at least I'd be able to get a gig as a, er, biblical scholar? Heh. Shatner worship would be rather awesome in a hilarious sort of way, so long as no one played devotional recordings of "Rocket Man."

I imagine the Church of Tom Cruise would have confessional closets too- only you wouldn't be allowed to come out of them when finished. ;)
Who am I?canissum on May 20th, 2007 10:35 am (UTC)
ROFL. Bah. They probably could have done it in only a hundred years or so. Back then they didn't have no steenkin' democracy. ;) It really speeds things up when you can kill the opposition, steal their gods (i.e. make them saints), and burn their books. OTOH. The Chirstianized Romans did eliminate the fatherly right to kill disobedient members of the family. I can't tell you how glad I am for that one small change. (sigh) You lose some, you win some.
Miusheri: crikeymiusheri on May 20th, 2007 03:29 pm (UTC)
It really speeds things up when you can kill the opposition, steal their gods (i.e. make them saints), and burn their books.

Very true.


The Chirstianized Romans did eliminate the fatherly right to kill disobedient members of the family. I can't tell you how glad I am for that one small change.

Oh geez, didn't know about that! Yeah, my dad probably would've used it on me when I was in high school. ^_^*
Chia de Boskchiasmushf on May 21st, 2007 02:29 am (UTC)
Except there's no evidence to suggest that the accounts are anything but earnest. Quite the opposite: they're pretty definitely serious (so serious they're willing to be martyred), and the canonical accounts are from within the lifetime of the original Disciples of Christ (the author of Luke, for instance, talks about when "I joined them" -- them being the Disciples and Paul -- in Acts).

Cute post, though. :-D
Miusherimiusheri on May 21st, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC)
Nope, can't say I've met anyone willing to die for their Chuck Norris-based convictions, heh! But I wonder/worry whether that would change, given enough time and distance from the man in question? Regardless of whether it does, we unfortunately can't judge the veracity of a claim based on how fervently people believe/disbelieve it, or what lengths they're willing to go for it. To give an example, Galileo was right about the heliocentric universe- he had the observations and the science to back him up- but he wasn't willing to be excommunicated over his findings.

Glad you liked the post! I get these random silly "insights" from time to time. ;) I liked your bit on Java 5 generics a few days back. Have you or someone else reported that bug to Sun? Have they given you any sort of status?